You can have the tears I cry [Nathan]

I wanted to lie down on my bed, I was tired and exhausted. I pulled my t-shirt off until a note fell out of my shirt pocket. It was a phone number, it was the number of Kathy. I was going to call her. I had not seen her 2 hour. But it felt like ages. I started to call her. The phone rang a few times over until I heard a voice. I heard her talk. "Nathan? I'm in the flower field "then I heard a scream and the line was broken. I didn't know what was going on, but one thing I knew for sure, it wasn't good. She said she was in the flower field. I could remember only one field in this area that had that kind of field. It was only 10 minutes from my house.
I quickly put my shirt back on and ran down. I put a note on the table for Cloe. I'll be back, Kathy is in trouble. I walked out the door and I started running. Fast... I think I never had raced so hard. Then all thoughts went through my mind, Maybe she is killed, or kidnapped, or... Before I knew it I was arrived at the field. I didn't see anything. I looked more closely around me until I heard a lot of noise. I saw in the distance a big truck toppled a tree chopping. And when I looked good, I saw that there was a hut. What? What the hell happend there? I run to the tree and the truck was gone. I hear little groans. When I looked closer I found Kathy in the collapsed House. I threw as fast as I could the pieces of wood to the side. She looked scared me. "Nathan ..." squeaked Kathy. "Shhh, Don't talk please, it is for your own good... " I picked her up in bride style and she put her head on my chest. I need to get you to the hospital now" She was not heavy. So I could carry her easily. When i looked at her i saw that she was already asleep. I rocked her gently while I sang to her.

I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me
I still feel your touch in my dreams
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard,to survive

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling
And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly
Can't you feel my heart beat fast?
I want this to last
I need you by my side

She looked so peacefull with her eyes closed. to my relief I heard her heart beat. I gave her forehead a gentle kiss, trying not to wake her. We arrived in the hospital. A woman took her over and said I had to wait in the waiting room. I sat there waiting around. Have to worry that everything would be fine. After a while I closed my eyes. I was woken up by a doctor who said that I was allowed to come. I entered the room and Saw Kathy, with her eyes still closed, I sat next to her on the bed and stroked her hair. After a few minutes, her eyes open. "Hey," I said.

When she first waked up i saw panic in her eyes, she looked scared around the room, when she saw everything she looked at her body. Kathy saw that they pinned her to the bed. She began to store around. I wanted to stop her arms with my hands. But she hit me accidentally with her hand. "I'm so sorry" she whispers. I couldn't be mad at this girl. She was just so cute. She was so beautiful!

She began softly sobbing. She buried her head under the blanket. It broke my heart to hear her cry. I continued to look at her lovingly. "I don't know ..." she says. 'Nathan, I just want to thank you for all you did for me. I know you for a few hours now and I equally don't realize that because it feels like a lifetime and I... "She was quiet. But she soon began talking again. '' I always thought that I couldn't love, that I was a weird exception. But you proved my wrong. I love you, Nathan. I love you. I not just like you. And I ... I'm so sorry I got you in to this ... If my father finds out ... It's not something you want to be witness or. " The moment they said my heart stopped for a moment. She loved me? YES SHE LOVED ME! "I love you" she says one more time. And then she started to laugh. The laugh that I haven't seen often. I leaned towards her. Until we were so close that our noses touched . "Want to know a secret?" I whispered. "I love you too!"

her eyes light up and I laughed back to her. "And I love you so much, it hurts." I grabbed her hand from her lap. I put her hand on my chest and I said, "this is what you do with me Kathy, this is what you do with my heart." Probably now my heart went rampage. But it didn't matter. Because it was all for her.

My laughter fades away when Nathan leans toward me. I get serious. Ready for the moment our body's touch. And I just can't wait. I try to get as close to him as possible. As the wires let my. We get so close our noses touch. Unfortunately, that's all. "Want to know a secret?" He whispers. Yes, I want to know it more than anything in the world right now. "I love you too!" I forgot al the tears I cried today. All the pain, physically and mentally and I, somehow, just turn it into loving the boy who has sit in a chair next to me, the whole time, without even know me. Well, he only knew my mouth. I choke a idiot giggle and grab his hand. As I watch his face closely, my eyes light up, I realize how lucky I am. A smile appears, and he laughs back to me, which gives me the most wonderful feeling in the world I can't discribe, the feeling of to people smiling to eachother. "And I love you so much, it hurts." I try to say something, to awnser his beautiful words. But I can't. He easily took away my voice with it. He grabs the hand I don't hold into his, which is on my lap. My heart beats so fast it can't be healthy as he brings it to his chest. "This is what you do with me Kathy, this is what you do with my heart." I feel his heart, knocking against my palm. Normally I would associate it with fear, the most scared fear excisting. But now I know better. My cheeks go red. I take his hand, strungled into mine, and press a kiss to it. Then, I lean as far as possible to get my lips on his mounth. It feels so good to kiss him. So good I understand what he said about the hurding-part. I grab my hands around his neck and push his lips to mine as long as possible. But then I run out of breaths and I let go off him, to refill my lungs. With it, I find my voice again. "You shouldn't, you know, loving me so mutch it hurts. I don't want you to get hurt." My voice is still weak, and I think I must say nonsens, but it feels good to talk, and I must talk because my head is pounding with pain I don't want to feel and thoughts I don't want to think if I don't. "The day before... The excident, my mother found a white mockingjay on the pavement before our house. You know how rare they are, right? I had never seen one before, and I think my mother didn't to." I remain silent. Why do I tell him this? He probably doesn't care. I turn my head of. But when I do, I realize I have to speak again. "I'm sorry, but I just have to talk, I know it's rubbish, but somehow I need someone to... listen." It feels strange to say it, even though I thought it so many times I lost the number. Nobody listend to me, ever. Probably I'm addicted now I know how to speak again. I smile a little. I never talked that mucht as I did today. It feels stranges. Stranges but good. "And that day, my brother died. I came home with him in my arms, and before I got out and they needed to take him and me to the hospital, I saw two withe mockingjays, sitting in the tree near our house. It really looked like they were mourning about the other we find that morning..." I hold my toungeu. This is useless. My brother died in the hospital, but I woke up, with the peaceful thought of white mockingjays and their sweet melodies in my head. I take his hand and say; "And now... Now I need you to talk." I wait for him to open his mounth. Every distraction is a welcome one.

She took my hand and pressed there a soft kiss. Then she started to kiss me passionate. And i loved it. And when i needed to breath i pulled away. Looking in her beautiful eyes. And the best part was to know that she was mine! "You shouldn't, you know, loving me so mutch it hurts. I don't want you to get hurt." she whispered. I laughed. She was so sweet and caring! "The day before... The excident, my mother found a white mockingjay on the pavement before our house. You know how rare they are, right? I had never seen one before, and I think my mother didn't to." she starts. I loved to hear her voice, it sounded like a angel to me! "I'm sorry, but I just have to talk, I know it's rubbish, but somehow I need someone to... listen." I understood her fully. She needed someone to really listen to her. And i could be that one. "And that day, my brother died. I came home with him in my arms, and before I got out and they needed to take him and me to the hospital, I saw two withe mockingjays, sitting in the tree near our house. It really looked like they were mourning about the other we find that morning..." "And now... Now I need you to talk." she said. "Well, my sister Cloe joined the Hunger Games a few years ago. And i was broken. Because my parents died, en she was the only one i had. I felt lonly for a long time. And when she won the games i was so happy! I finally had my sister back. I had no friends because people were scared of my sister. But my sister is the sweetest girl ever. You will find out!"

The tension in my body fades away as he talks. I don't know why, but talking still costs the price of a lot of my pressious energy and I don't want to waste that know. I try to get rid of the memory of the three white mockingjays I've ever seen in my life, but I can't. The hospital doesn't help me mutch with that. I give my best shot and turn my head, to wacht him. As he opens his mounth, a flood of words cross the room and reach my ears, and it's hard to seperate them. "Well, my sister Cloe joined the Hunger Games a few years ago. And I was broken. Because my parents died, en she was the only one I had. I felt lonly for a long time. And when she won the games I was so happy! I finally had my sister back. I had no friends because people were scared of my sister. But my sister is the sweetest girl ever. You will find out!" I blink a few times. Then I grab his hand. He told all this, like he was talking about the weather. He have to understand that what he's been trought, is not the weather at all. My stomach feels like it's going to turn any moment, like I swallowed a brick. "I am so sorry..." Is all I can whisper, for the second time. Why he didn't tell me earlier? Perhaps he didn't want to. Now I know why Cloe seemd so... nice when I vistited their house. No, I have to give her all the odds I can afford. She is Nathan's sister and if nobody is able to like her, I should. I shake my head and pinch his hand a little. "You... You have to understand you need to tell me these things, whether you like it or not. It's important to talk about it." Sudden a awful realization comes over me. I let go of his hand and bring it to my face. I feel the pressure to burry my face in it, but I won't reach anything with that. I bite my lower lip and watch Nathan closely. How could I be so selfish? All I did when I met him was complaining about my family, and how they refused to talk or look at me, while he didn't even had a family... Guilt hits my whole body and I gasp. "It's... It's not fair..." I was planning to say something encouraging, but I don't come any closer than a weakly whisper. I sigh, frusterated. I want to say something, anything, but I can't get the right words over my chewed lips. Instead, I just lean over and give him a little kiss, the way I always comfort him. Our kiss doesn't last long, unfortenately, thanks to a nurse, walking into the room. Embaressed, I let go of him and slowly sink back into the sea of pillowes, also called 'my bed'. The nurse pulls up her perfect eyebrows as watching me. "Kathy Gold?" Her flat voice says. I nod. "We need to handle your legg, but things look good. So after that, you can go home." Her voice is irritating tuneless and she talks in a annoying frequention, but I succeed a smile and a reserved "Thank you." I swallow again. Home. No, I can't go home at all. I look Nathan in the eye, but then the nurse starts talking again and I pay attetion, allthough it's hard. "I will send docter Gold to help you." The moment I realize what she just said, all the little peace Nathan gave me collapses. Breaks into small pieces and flies away and the onlything I can do is hope they come back really soon. "No." I say. "No. No!" The last word is a very loud and very shrill scream and after screaming it, I can't control me breaths anymore. It feels like there's space for twenty breaths a second, and that's what I do. Panic is cold and deep, burried inside of me. I don't want to see him. I can't see him... I... I gasp so loud I can't think clear anymore. It's weird to me, but I can't breath because I breath to mutch. I hear the voice of the nurse again. I wait for Nathan's to pinch into, but his words don't come. Where is he? Where?! The room goes black and the only thing I hear are my own breaths.

"I am so sorry..." She said, for the second time. "You... You have to understand you need to tell me these things, whether you like it or not. It's important to talk about it." I knew she was right, but i didn't want to talk about it. It maked me wanna cry. "It's... It's not fair..." She leaned in and gave me that little soft kiss, that maked my heart skip a beat. "Kathy Gold?" the nurse asked.in a but I "Thank you."she said softly. "I will send docter Gold to help you." "No." she said. "No. No!" she began to breath heavily. I touched her shoulder softly, trying to make her comfterbel. Then she fainted. Just in the room.
I knelt down next to her and lifted her up. She was several inches away from my face. I stroked her face while I whispered sweet nothings. Her eyes slowly went open. Full of anguish, pain and grief. What was going on with her?

I don't know what was going on, but I just can't get my breath regular. I feel Nathan touch my shoulder. But it doesn’t calm me down. The opposite happens, and I my throat gets even dryer, my vision even more blurred, my breaths even harder. I must have looked I was fainted, but I wasn’t. I was too conscious of what happened all around my. That was a good reason for Nathan to lift my up, not further than the wires in my body let him. I won’t be surprised if they told me their was some morphine in it, although it’s elaborated as quick as a flash then. I wouldn’t be surprised too, if they can register my reactions everywhere in the hospital and feed my blood things that match them. It doesn’t work then. Or maybe they want me to be aggressive. Maybe a revolution is necessary. Normally, I’m not as thoughtful as this, but it must be the darkness. Darkness always is my helping hand, actually. When I feel terrible, the darkness was my only friend. The only one who could be quiet and supportive at the same time. Whenever it went dark, I could think. I could really be the one I wanted to be my whole life long. In the darkness, I got nothing left to hide. But now, Nathan is my replacement for darkness. Although I am so grateful by darkness for still showing up, even after that I turned my back to it and lift it alone. I sudden hear a whispering voice, comforting and gentle. Who is that? I don’t now anymore. The darkness and Nathan and my father are all mixed together to one love-hate relationship. All the feelings come creeping in, change forms and feel. It’ miserable and magic at the same time, but what I realize, is that I calmed my breath. I give open my eyes a shot, and surprisingly I succeed. But still, it is hard to keep the tears, that gathered there, in. Nathan looks at me, a question mark within it. I gasp and realize how much energy my panicking took from me, and I’m even more exhausted than before. The first thing I do, is try to look around. My head doesn’t really allow it, but although it’s pounding and painful, I spy the nurse is gone. That can be very good, that’s the first thing I think. Or it can be really bad in my odds. That’s is the second and common thought that takes over my brains. I sigh, still far away form my comfort zone. I am incapable to grab his hand and hold it as tight as possible. “I love you…” I whisper again, just before I close my eyes.
When I wake up, my sheet is cold and to tight, just like frozen barbed wire around my skin. It piques, just like the sweaters grandma used to made me when she was still around. She passed away only a few months ago. She was really broad-minded for her age, I could tell her anything, though I never spoke to her about the accident. She wasn’t like my father at all. Of course, she had all the grief in the world of her deceased grandson, but she was comforting, she didn’t pretend I was air. I loved her. I really did. But my dad had such other opinions than she did, we didn’t came over often. We didn’t even get to here funeral, but my father did. Maybe because she just was his mother. I gave him a sweater that didn’t fit me anymore. I let him promise to put that in her coffin. I don’t think he did. However, I search for Nathan’s face. Just with my eyes, my head won’t let me. He’s not in the chair next to my bed. Then I realize the chair isn’t their either. Then I realize it isn’t the same room either. I breath as regular as possible, to be faster than the hyperventilation. I’d rather won’t undergo that twice. I close my eyes and take another deep breath. My head feels a bit more placid. As I open my eyes, I see Nathan, standing in front of a window. He looks like his body is still here, in the room, but his thoughts somewhere over the seas of Panem. The tears I held in start to stream over my cheeks quietly. I am such a lucky girl. I should be more grateful for the things I have, instead of the things I want and can’t get. I smile. Nathan, probably the most handsome, good-hearted and supportive person of Panem, of the world, is in love with me. Kissed me, on the pavement for what feels like years ago. Rescued me out of my tree house, where I broke me leg, like a prince who needs to save a princess form her evil parents that don’t want him to marry her. I sigh and smile again. That’s Nathan. That’s us. Us… That is the best word I heard in my head in a while. Us. It sounds like flowers, like sunny Sundays. It sounds new and at the same time as old as the hills. As old as us. The moment I want to call him, I notice my leg. It’s bound in plaster. I gasp when I see it. Who did that? My father? Was he here when I fainted? It could be possible. The nurse could have gone away when Nathan lifted me up. She could have went to the administrators and say that I needed some morphine in my blood. Maybe that’s the reason I fainted. It’s possible. But it’s an awful thought I don’t want to think. “Nathan.” My voice is hardly to hear and it vibrates. I want to know it. The truth, even if I don’t want to. I clean my throat. “What… What did my father say… when… when he was here?”

She looked around the room like she was in hell. Her eyes grew wide when she saw where she was. When she finally found my eyes again she whispered  "I love you" but weak. I almost didn't hear her. Her voice to weak. Then her eyes closed again. I panicked but knew that she was extremely tired. I couldn't blame her.  I layed her down on the bed again when a nurse walked in. She took Kathy her wrist and put a needle in it. "This is for her to calm down a bit. Her heartbeat goes way too fast." i hated needles myself. I was scared to dead for them. But this moment i wanted it to be me here in pain. She didn't deserve this. I hated to see her like this. Fighting back the tears. two other nurses came into the room with plaster. "This is gonna help her leg to heal." after that one nurse got a call. "Yes. Ok... I understand." she hung up. "This bed needs to go to another room. Here comes another patient." i didn't had time to response cause my girlfriend was driven away with the nurses. I runned after them.
10 minutes later
Kathy was asleep for almost 3 hours. I looked at the window. Why couldn't you just leave the fucking shit that they called: reality. Why were lifes nothing alike fairytails. With princes and Princesses. With a kiss and a happy end. Why couldn't life be perfect. I wanted my happy end with Kathy, but for some reason i was depressed. I was scared to lose my love. Everyone who loved me leaved me. Exept for my sister. She was always there. But she was gone for a wile when the hunger games started. Suddenly i heard Kathy . “What… What did my father say… when… when he was here?” what did she mean? "What do you mean Kathy? There was no man here." she looked nervous at the ground. I didn't understand. "What is going on Kathy? You can tell me." she nodded in understandment. She said nothing. She played with her fingers while i waited for to start talking. Suddenly an angry man burst into the room. "Kathy Gold! What the hell are you doing here!" he yelled. I looked confused. What was going on? I wanted to know.